Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Leaping faithfully







I am sitting in the wonderful gallery known as 2nd April helping out while Todd is caring for Brennis (who is now home- yay!) and I have already learned something new. Bring material to work on. Now for the artists here with me, that means of course ART. I am not a visual artist. I would love to be but never studied it enough to grab a hold of it. I can however, always find something to write about. So I hopped online for some inspiration and (of course) surfed FB a bit. I came across a blog post by the author of Falling Apart in One Piece - a birthday present from my sister the month my soon to be exhusband moved out. It was just what I needed to read right then, about author Stacy Morrison's journey through an unanticipated and unwanted divorce, which in some ways was very similar to mine and in others completely different- like all marriages and divorces tend to be. But the sentiment of a unilaterally terminated marriage seems highly universal.

I remember thinking that I could have handled things better if I had some of the things in place that Stacy did- a dream job as chief editor at Redbook, and a nanny for my child for example. I now know that it doesn't matter how much you think you have going for you- a huge transition and grief over the loss of your dreams for your family is still a very difficult road to tow. I also know that her job was brand new and full of heavy loads of responsibilities that I cannot comprehend being able to navigate my early months of separation and loss.

I sent Stacy a note about how much her book helped me. She graciously wrote back and we have cheered each other on through cyber space. I have followed her journey through losing both her parents, and now we once again find ourselves in the similar predicament of trying to figure out what we want to be when we grow up.

In her latest blog about tranisition, she talks in depth about all the possible choices for her and in many ways they are similar to mine- practical and safe bets for earning a living, vs freelance creative ventures that never can guarantee income or security.

This is and has always been my quandry- how to combine my need to earn my living creatively with my drive to feel secure financially. In the past it meant a day job and volunteering in the arts. That worked when I was young and full of energy as well as had less responsibilities -including 3 kids who need to eat, go to the Dr, and pursue their own creative or otherwise ventures in order to be...well...kids.

In the next few weeks I have to pack up my whole home, go to court and agree to the divorce I never wanted, and move into a new townhome. So yes...that all needs to be checked off my list first. I very "impractically" volunteered to help at the Gallery these couple of days, and then again on First Friday (the day I get my keys but I need to promote my workshop I'm teaching in July anyway.) I wanted to help, to give to the guys and fellow artist community who give of themselves often. And once the big things are off my list I can volunteer a few more times until the guys are both back on their feet and back here full time.

I am also taking these couple of days to taste what it feels like to come to a place like this to work every day.

And I'm liking it.

I am sitting in this gallery today...and dreaming. Of my own office here for the Howland Fry Theatre Project. I had written and heard from the guys about the possibility of that the week before Brennis became ill. Once I heard about his surgery, I shelved it and focused again on getting through the divorce and move these next few weeks and then will figure out my finances. It would take a leap of faith and commitment financially. But once Todd and Brennis are back in business in person we'll get together and talk about what's available and cost to see if I can swing it or not. If not that's ok too. It will come when it's supposed to.




This past year has been about letting go of so many things. But now I realize it's kind of freeing really to lose all you thought you had lined up. Because nothing is ever a given...nothing is ever truly secure. And if you don't let go of all those worries and practicalities you won't create the empty space for something magical to waltz right into your world.



Thanks again...for "listening."

2 comments:

takingbackmysanity said...

Excellent post! I especially love, "This past year has been about letting go of so many things. But now I realize it's kind of freeing really to lose all you thought you had lined up. Because nothing is ever a given...nothing is ever truly secure. And if you don't let go of all those worries and practicalities you won't create the empty space for something magical to waltz right into your world."

This is the place I am moving towards and I truly look forward to the magical arriving!

Stacy @bklynstacy said...

Zen, I am so incredibly late to this beautiful party---what a post! And I am honored to be named in it. I am still struggling with all my transitions. Some days I'm thrilled, feeling the adrenaline of all the new; and other days, well, other days I just want to fold up into myself and let life unfold without my attention. I'm not quite through with wanting a stability that isn't real, but I do know I'm getting better at surfing the uncertainty. Love and hugs, SLM