Tuesday, January 03, 2012
Fresh Start. Clean Break. Blank Page. Make a wish...
That's true every day actually but when we toss the old calendar for the new it really feels like anything is possible. And this year I intend to live this holiday like never before in my life.
Still transitioning...still manifesting though I'm not sure exactly what, where, when or how.
Who I am or will be that is. No other "whos" are concerning me currently.
2011 was certainly kinder in many ways than 2009/2010. I finalized the divorce I didn't want. I found a new home. I spent lots and lots of quality time with my children, my family, my friends, myself. And the dog of course.
I tried to step back out into the working world, but the arts gig wasn't a good fit given all the other things going on. That was a disappointment for me, in myself of course, that I couldn't find a way to make it fit me. I never got my workshop finished and will be paying back the grant. No one signed up despite some impressive PR from the original venue I hooked up with. Timing was horrible. I knew I shouldn't have applied actually-knew when I was applying with so much spiraling around me in my personal life. Too distracted. Too tired. Too busy.
I think if there's one thing I've learned from having the rug pulled out from under me it is this: I am no longer going to try so hard to make things work that so obviously don't or aren't healthy for me. And that, even if something would be fantastic, if I'm not in the right place to give it my best positive energy, then I will no longer feel bad about "failing." I used to bend myself in all different directions trying to make everything work. The failed blended family experiment was hopefully my last lesson in that.
I have a lot of things cooking right now. Open and close Rabbit Hole in the next week and a half. Mixed feelings about it. It's wonderful- cast, crew, director, script, venue-kismet. I feel blessed to have had the privilege of channeling such an amazing, deep, inspirational character. However I have a feeling I am going to miss her, and all of her family, come Sunday the 15th.
I am looking into some other part time arts gigs currently. I have another Middle School Shakespeare gig lined up for spring- so they must have liked me enough to ask me back. A non-profit consulting place is interested in chatting with me about how one goes about doing that for a living. Meeting with someone about a possible masters degree again as well.
So much to figure out. But so much of the hardest stuff behind me.
THIS year...is my year.
Zen was not meditating at 10:15 PM